How to Identify People When You Aren’t Good With Faces
I never had a good memory for faces, ever. I never had a good sight either, so that could explain why, but, in the meantime, I was always able to remember places or landscapes in great details years after seeing them. And, once I’ve been somewhere, I can go back anytime, I memorize routes almost instantly, so it’s not a matter of lack of attention.
There is a story my parents love to tell. Driving a friend from kindergarten back home after a playdate, my mother heard me say: “See, I told you Yohan was super cool!”.“Yes he is! You never told me he had a black face.” said my little friend. “He doesn’t have a black face! Why do you say that? Yohan doesn’t have a black face, Right mom?”. Of course, he did, he was my mother's close friend’s son, she was from Cameroun. I had known them forever and I had never noticed they were black.
From a young age, I also noticed that whatever people tell me sticks in my head forever. It often surprised my friends I could recall a conversation from months before. It even annoyed me when people asked me the same question over and over again each time we met. I had the feeling they weren’t listening carefully to what I was telling them. But since anyone around me used to say I had an exceptional memory, I assumed it was not really their fault, I was just better equipped in terms of data storage capacity, except faces recognition. Of course, I did not phrase it like that, since there was no computer back then (I was born in the 70ies!), but that’s the idea.
When I was 20, I read Oliver Sacks’ “the man who mistook his wife for a hat” and wondered if I was heading to visual agnosia. Would I be like that man when I grow old?
I was at the University at the time, and of course, I used to meet new people on a daily basis. I had to tell them to call out to me if we ever met on campus, because I was really not good with faces, and I would probably “ignore” them unintentionally. I had come up with a running joke saying that “sometimes, I didn’t even recognize my mother” to justify myself.
Oddly enough, two of my closest college friends had twin sisters, and unlike most people, I never mixed them up, I even thought they didn’t look alike that much. Hanging out with them a lot, I realized that I had no weird vision pathology whatsoever, nor any major neurological issue, I just didn’t care about what people looked like.
It was a real epiphany. I am sensitive to the energy that emanates from people, and to what they say, faces, not so much! So I just do not download that kind of information.
From the moment I was aware of that, I tried to focus a little more on faces, but it didn’t quite work because people wondered why I was staring at them like that! So I let it go, and paid even more attention to voices and words I am naturally more attracted to.
As years go by, I came up with a strategy to avoid these awkward situations. So, if someone starts talking to you in a friendly way, and you would swear you have never ever seen that person before here are my tips:
1-Relax
Breathe, smile. I know how it feels when the brain shifts to panic mode, and all you can think of is “Who is it? Where do I know her/him from?”. Stress isn’t helpful, and this is probably not a life or death situation. You’ve been there before, you found out who you were talking to eventually. And now, you have a plan! (see below)
2-Ask questions
If you have no clue whether that person is your son’s tennis coach, the grocery store owner, or your sister’s ex-brother-in-law, ask general questions, like “How’s everything going?” “When was the last time we met?”
Don’t be too personal, it might be inappropriate with someone you, in fact, barely know. As the person talks, your inner computer will be able to put the pieces together and connect the dots. If the first answer did not help, ask for further details about that specific topic they just mentioned.
3-Listen carefully
The voice is a unique signature. If words don’t help you right away, focus on the flow, the pitch, you’ve heard them before, obviously.
A habit that you can implement when you meet a new person, is to associate their voice with the place you’re in, or the reason why you met…. I noticed that it works better when you phrase it clearly in your head, as “Her voice really matches the pool.” “He does sound like a dog trainer”. Of course, this has to mean something to you, if there are no emotions attached to it, it won’t do the trick.
4-Be honest
If nothing works, admit that you have a problem with remembering faces; crack up a joke, or share a short anecdote to make the person laugh. You might feel a little embarrassed, but it’s better than to offend someone who had enough interest in you to start a conversation.
Keep in mind that this person has flaws too, maybe he/she is terrible with names, which you happen to excel at remembering. All of these are no big deals, what matters is that you end up having a deeper connection with someone.
Once we acknowledge our weaknesses, we are on a path of truth.
